Updated: Jul 8, 2020
So what happened next? Well I slipped into a minor 'depression'.
The way I see it the mother is the leader of the household. We run the show, so if the mother is not feeling her best the whole house feels it and that's exactly where we were.
I began to shut down and shut out the people who love me. Assaf and I were supposed to be a team but we were lacking the key ingredient- Communication!
We were constantly jabbing at each other or not talking to each other. Oh and the tears...... there were soooo many of them. I would go into the bathroom turn on the shower, get naked and just sit in the bath and cry...
I was doing that thing where one thing is bad and then you start thinking of all the bad things and then you drown yourself in the biggest puddle of tears. Gosh, I'm so happy I'm past this. I'm sad just remembering it.
So what exactly was making me feel this way?
It started off with me getting fired (from a job I hated, but still.) I began to feel really shitty with myself, like I wasn't good at anything and there was nothing for me to do (aside from taking care of my kids and house obviously) But I wanted more than that. I wanted something that I could call my own. I wanted to feel like I was financially contributing to our household. I wanted to be surrounded by people who call me Lexi and don't wipe their snot on me and require my assistance in wiping their butts.... You know?????
I love being a mom. I love my children more than life itself but I strongly believe that it shouldn't be all that you are. It's a huge part of me but not all of me.
My whole adult life I've never really held onto a job for more than a year. I just never found my thing. It makes me feel bad about myself but on the other hand, I'm not going to stay at a job that I hate. I know I won't give it my all and what's the point of staying? Or at least that's the way I see it. Maybe I'm wrong and I should just suck it up... Either way this is where I was. Jobless, home, 100% Mommy all the time and just feeling stuck, lost and alone.
I remember feeling totally overwhelmed by my emotions. I would be washing dishes (for the 80th time that day) and just start crying.
Emma caught me a few times in the midst of my tears and asked me why I'm crying. Gosh that was hard.
I didn't even know what to say. I think I muttered something along the lines of feeling very sad and just needing my Mommy, that even grown ups need their mommy's sometimes.
She hugged me and said she misses everyone too.
You know what's funny is that when two people fall in love and get married they often don't spend that much time together. During the day they're both off at their jobs, running errands and whatnot so the only time couples get is those few hours at night when you're exhausted from whatever you dealt with that day and if there are kids you were running around doing dinner, bath and bedtime and by the time you sit down to enjoy each others company its like a competition of who passes out first on the couch to a TV show you've seen over and over again. So now with the coronavirus, couples are forced to spend actual time with each other. What will they learn? Can they stand to be around this person?
I was really struggling with my identity, boredom, being enough for my husband and my children and trying to do whatever I could to stay sane.
After a few weeks Assaf and I had a much needed talk. He was actually at work so we did it all through texting. I actually feel more confident when I'm able to type up my feelings as opposed to standing face to face with someone. I'm so emotional that my emotions get the best of me.
We spoke so openly and really expressed our worries and what we feel is going on with us.
After that conversation it's like something clicked in me. I needed to make a change. I needed to fight for what's right in front of me.
Yes Assaf and I have our issues, but who doesn't? What matters now is that we are willing to work on it.
I went to sleep that night telling myself that tomorrow I will wake up a new me.
Well, the next morning I was me again.
Sometimes we get into a rut or a funk and it drags us down to dark places.
Try your hardest to think of the positive in your life and hold on tight to that; it will guide you through.